"In the past, I have doubted if I have grieved correctly." I wrote this in an article about my journey with grief. It was one of the questions that haunted my mind for a long time. What is the right way to grieve? Is there even a right way? And what exactly does it mean when someone is grieving? I interviewed BUas’ grief and bereavement counsellor, Hermien Schippers, to gain more insight into mourning. Two weeks ago I published the first part of my interview with Hermien, in which I mainly wrote about why being a grief and bereavement counsellor is important to her, what her role as a counsellor is, and why it is essential to talk about your grief. Be sure to read this article as well, as it is an introduction to Hermien and the offerings around grief and bereavement at BUas.
"Grief is an ongoing process."
Hermien Schippers
To dive into the grieving process, it is first essential to understand what grief means. "Grieving is the natural reaction to loss," Hermien says. "It is loss in many varieties." The grieving process can even partially occur when you have not yet officially lost something. In this case, it is the knowledge of what lies ahead and, therefore, already the saying farewell to something or someone that takes you into the grieving process. But, as I asked myself, is there a right grieving process? To put it simply, no, there is no such thing. Contrary to what you may find on the internet, it is a false notion that there is a roadmap for grieving which will lead you to life after or without grief. The five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, are, therefore, a very outdated idea. Hermien explains, "Grieving is an ongoing process in which you have grief tasks. Because loss does indeed feel different in the initial period, after someone has just died, for example, than it does later. But you do integrate a loss into your life."
"From time to time, you must be busy grieving, and occasionally you must be busy with ordinary life."
Hermien Schippers
Hermien prefers to work with the loss cycle model, introduced in the Netherlands by author and podcast creator, Riet Fiddelaers-Jaspers. This model is about first being welcomed into the world. "You are born and, in that birth, and in that welcome, there is already a lot. There is already the history of your ancestors in there, which greatly impacts who you are and how you deal with saying goodbye." The next step in the model is attachment and eventually saying goodbye, which is inevitable in everyone's life, followed by mourning that loss and ultimately giving meaning. "That circle always goes round. But it does not necessarily have to be in that order. From time to time, you must be busy grieving, and occasionally you must be busy with ordinary life. But it is not easy for everyone to find that balance."
What Hermien sees a lot in the people who seek help is that they have often already been through a lot more in their lives, making it not so easy to fall back on a solid foundation. This has everything to do with that previously mentioned welcome into the world. "If there are things in your family that make you also have to survive a bit in life, then grieving runs harder because then you don't feel so easy." She hopes that when people get stuck or suffer from not finding the right balance, they reach out to someone, allowing that person to be there for them.
To the ones wondering if they can be there for someone who is grieving and how they should do this, the answer sounds very simple. However, reality shows that this is not the case at all. "Yes, you can be there for someone who is grieving. Mainly with your ears. You do not have to do anything else, which is also the hardest part. We all tend to want to fix it for someone. You want to help. But all the well-meaning pieces of advice are the don'ts." But in the end, the intention is still the most important thing, according to Hermien. "It will often come from an inexperienced but mostly good heart. And that is important to remember."
If you are grieving and want some help to give it the proper attention and care, Hermien's door is always open. How can you find her: Go to BUas Student Portal – Education - Student Well-Being – Best Training – Permanent Offer - or you can make an appointment with her via this link.
