'When I speak, I mention her name and do this in the present tense. Like she is still alive. Afterwards, I burst into tears. Because that tense hurts. Because she is not alive anymore. Still, I can't change it to the past tense. Not yet.'

I wrote these sentences a few months after the passing of my mother. Unable to talk to anyone who had been through a similar situation, I started writing out my thoughts. It became a way of coping with my grief, but the desire to find someone who understood what I was going through never wholly disappeared.

In the past, I have doubted if I have grieved correctly. Whenever I have read articles about grieving, I recognized some of it but also, there’s a lot I didn’t. For instance, I could only find myself in a few stages of the famous Five Stages of Grieving. These stages consist of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I guess you could say I went through denial since I didn't like to talk about my mother in the past tense, even though my mind and heart have always known that she isn't here anymore. I have been angry with the world, mostly when my mother was still alive, but I already knew she was going to pass away. Although, I quickly realized that I was the only one who could feel that anger and was hurt by it. The world would never feel that anger. Acceptance followed shortly after. All this happened while she was still alive. Looking back at it, I think I started grieving the moment I knew she wouldn't get better anymore, maybe even a little before. Looking back, I can conclude that my way of grieving was absolutely fine, even if articles stated it differently.

These last few years, I have come more and more to a realization that talking about your grief is scary. It makes you vulnerable and is something that not many do. This sounds logical, but it is not something you think of when you are not in that situation. Talking about death is even considered taboo. When my mother was ill, I didn't want to bother any of my friends with everything that was going on. Besides, whenever I did, none of the reactions made me feel better, just more alone. This didn't have anything to do with them. It was the fact that they had never been through something like that, luckily, which made me feel lonely. Sadly, this goes for many things. Even when you find people that went through the same, the details will always be different, and therefore that feeling of loneliness will never completely disappear.

Nowadays, I am doing okay. I am still sad about her passing away a lot of the time, but I do notice that more and more, I find ways to live with the grief. Because in the end, I don't think the grief will ever entirely disappear. The best way I can describe my most vulnerable thoughts and scary moments, are when I have thoughts such as, “what will it be like when I marry, when I have my kids or achieve something I have wished for a long time? How much will I miss her then?” It is scary to think about these moments because those will probably be a few of the most beautiful moments in my life, but at the same time, they will be the moments that will hurt a lot in some way. Because she won't be there to share it with. That is why I don't like thinking about those aspects of the future. Change is also something that hurts. Every time I start something new, like six months ago with driving lessons, it makes me happy but also sad because it feels like a step away from the person she knew. I sometimes wish I could ask someone else about their experiences and if they also have these same fears. However, talking to a professional or writing my thoughts and feelings like this has helped me.

If you are dealing with grief and would like some support, BUas has a grief and bereavement counsellor. You can find out more information about this offering, and those of student well-being here. I have conducted an interview with Hermien Schipper, the grief and bereavement counsellor of BUas, which will be posted on Tuesday, the 22^nd of November.

Taking the first step in dealing with your grief can be a big thing, but remember that there are so many more people with you who find it scary. It will change your life forever, and it is, therefore, essential to deal with it in your own way. If this means talking to someone, don't be afraid and talk about it. And remember, everyone griefs differently, there is no wrong way or an order you must follow.